The important shifts we make in ourselves come from an openness to learn something new. A decision that comes from a desire for change.
Whether this desire for change comes from challenges in the work environment, where experiences impact upon your confidence or unhelpful behaviours have been brought to your attention. Perhaps it’s in your personal or romantic relationships, where you struggle to express yourself or your needs. It could be in your journey as a parent, realising you are projecting your needs outwardly upon your kids. Or perhaps there are habitual patterns you would like to let go of, new experiences you would like to pursue.
The challenges shared above, are experiences when the flow of life doesn’t go the way we perceive it should. They create points of tension for us, that we do not always understand or have clarity on. It is in these experiences that we realise we need something more than what we have, to successfully transition through this time of tension. This is the opportunity for new learning, new language, a new perspective.
It is important to accept that you are not a separated or compartmentalised person, your thinking, emotions and biology are intertwined with one another and influence how you experience life and reflect yourself to the world. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. This is the wonderfully complex nature of who we are as human beings. The awareness of self and what is taking place for us, presents us with an opportunity to make the important shifts we desire for ourselves, through an openness to learn something new.
It is in these experiences that we realise we need something more than what we have, to successfully transition through this time of tension. This is the opportunity for new learning, new language, a new perspective.
Learning is a transitional process; it will require us to let go of what we may have known for a long time, releasing ourselves from the comfortable and embracing the tension of the unknown. There is a cost to new learning, it can be uncomfortable, even painful.
This is why being kind to ourselves is such an important part of the process. It allows us to transition these spaces of uncertainty with grace for ourselves and our new learning.
If we utilise unhelpful language, measure where we should or should not be, project our annoyance and frustration outwardly – we focus on the things that hold us still and we stop the learning process.
When I was studying Ontological Coaching with Alan Sieler at the Newfield Institute, I met Anne Courtney our area supervisor. Anne introduced me to the circle of change or the circle of healing, which beautifully reflects our learning journey.
Stage 1: We notice unhelpful behaviours post an event taking place.
We become aware of behaviours or experiences during a time of reflection, after something has occurred within us. There may be a sense of discomfort in our emotions, our thoughts overly connected to that time and place and our bodies may be carrying some tension. We would like things to be different. We may experience this several times, growing in awareness as to what is taking place for us.
Stage 2: We notice unhelpful behaviours during an event in the moment
We become aware of behaviours or experiences in the moment that something is occurring within us. There is a sense of discomfort in our emotions, our thoughts may be racing without clarity and our bodies may be experiencing the impacts of stress. We are aware that something is taking place for us, because of what we have learnt to identify from stage 1.
We may experience this several times, growing in awareness as to what is taking place for us.
Stage 3: We develop an awareness to unhelpful behaviours that show up for us at such an event and prepare ourselves beforehand
We are aware of behaviours or experiences that show up for us in situations or environments we are about to enter. Our learning allows us to prepare ourselves beforehand and we can address the experiences of the past. We can control our emotions better than before, we have greater clarity in our thinking, and we experience diminished levels of stress in our bodies. We may experience this several times, growing in awareness as to what is taking place for us.
Stage 4: We no longer experience unhelpful behaviours in this area of our lives.
We are no longer experiencing what we were previously in this area of our lives. We have learnt about ourselves and as a result our perspective and experience are different to what they were before. How we see ourselves and how others see us has changed.
It is important to accept that there is no clear timeframe to this. Everyone is different and their experience unique. People learn in different ways and at different times.
The commitment to the process and the daily shifts we make is where the significance is found.
So……. Be kind to yourself
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